It’s a strange feeling to realize you’ve had your life planned out, only to find you don't even want that plan anymore. That’s where I am. I don’t know what I want. But as the saying goes, acknowledgment is the first step toward change.
I came to the States thinking I would pursue a career in computer engineering. Computers were all I knew, and honestly, they’re still what I love. But that plan didn’t last. I changed my major the moment I reviewed the course syllabus. I "punked out." It was the first time in my life I didn’t take on the challenge, and that realization still stings.
I went from being a tech enthusiast to a marketing major, eventually landing on business management. I took the safe route—maybe even the lazy one. The point is, I’ve realized that while this path was safer, I haven’t truly challenged myself in three years. I haven’t stimulated my brain, my creativity, or even my academic spirit.
That’s a hard pill to swallow.
It sucks because while this might be a "scheme" or a bout of imposter syndrome, the weight of it is very real. I don’t have (and have never really had) a long-lasting support system of friends. Why? I guess I’m to blame. Am I too awkward? Too "smart"? I’ve floated through friend groups since primary school, just as I’ve floated through hobbies, religions, and now, careers.
Give me a problem, and nine times out of ten, I’ll whip up a strategy. But this internal crisis? It’s sending me into a spiral.
Am I afraid? Afraid of the unknown? The uncertainty? Or am I afraid of myself? Maybe I’m afraid to speak my mind, to share my heart, to love, or to rest. I’m afraid to give up, yet afraid I’m not enough. I’m afraid to break a heart, to disappoint, or to run. I’m afraid to be "too much."
My timeline looks perfect on paper. In 2017, I graduated primary school at the top of my class at age 11. In 2023, I finished high school in the top 10%, ranking 6th with honors at 17. Now, in 2026, I am set to graduate from THEE Jackson State University in the top 10% of my class with a 3.9 GPA. I’ll be finished at 19, crossing the stage at 20.
There are so many fellowships, internships, and accolades that I don’t deem myself worthy of. People see things in me that I just don’t understand. I haven't even had a "full" college experience. My education became my only friend, my only admirer, and frankly, the only thing that kept me grounded on the hardest nights.
That ongoing drive to "just do my best" was my anchor. I remember telling my friend, Sierra, that I was thinking about speeding up my graduation date by a year. She told me, "There’s no need."
But for me, there was a need. I couldn't seem to fit in at JSU. I couldn't find my people. So, I put my head down and worked. Spring, summer, fall—I was taking classes. I was working. I was going to get it done.
Because my parents were paying for my education out of pocket, I saw the upside of saving them an entire year of tuition. Even if that meant I couldn't change my major back to a STEM field when I had a sudden change of heart. I’m sure they wouldn’t have minded since they wanted me in STEM originally, but it felt too late.
The tech world I once knew has been distorted by Artificial Intelligence; I feel like I’d be playing a permanent game of catch-up in a field where I no longer even know where to focus. Coding was the answer four years ago, but today? Everything feels different. Plus, my visa status means a full-time tech role would likely require a Master’s degree, a path I’m open to, but one that comes with financial hurdles I’m not yet sure how to clear.
Now, it’s March 2026. I have a CV that raises eyebrows and starts conversations. I’m a great problem-solver, teammate, analyst, and student. But what do I actually want to do?
Maybe it’s that Master’s degree. Maybe it’s a full-time role in project management, banking, or as a business analyst. What can I see myself doing for the rest of my life without growing tired of it by morning?
I guess that’s still to be determined. For now, I’ll just keep trusting that JC will work it all out for me—in my heart, my mind, my soul, and my life.